I'm scared. Shit scared. Of a lot of things. And a little bit of everything. I dont know whats going to happen to me and I dont know how I've managed to land myself in the mess that my life is in right now. I dont know if I should call this a mess. I've probably seen worse. But its pretty bad nevertheless. Stuck in a place away from home with no decent work to do except try to study and then feel bad about not studying. To top that all everyone talks about are cases and summer placements and the markets going down. To hell with that!!! I really dont give a damn. Makes me wonder what I am doing in a business school anyway. Did I say B school? In that case this school is really a prison. And my room is one of the cells. Complete with ancient brick walls. And I'm the lucky inmate of Dorm 1 Room 25. The way I've been signing off all my cover letters and CVs.
Let me think back to the first time I nurtured the sweet ambition of entering these hallowed halls. I really wanted to go to a second grade (comparatively) school because I'd heard that they dont bother you with muggai. But then decided that this is more on top and closer to home. Came here during the interview and found it a fraud. Wasn't too awestruck or amazed by the sight of the brick coloured dungeons. Did I say I felt a little let down. Wrong time!! It was just the beginning!
I dont think I will ever forget my first day at Wimwi. Came here to get registered and found that due to some technical problem the guy refused to get my admission done. I nearly fainted of a heart attack! After all this! Would I have to go back to Siemens??? I've always wondered. Why does this usually happen to me? Just when something great is about to happen, these irritating little things crop up and make my path just that little bit more convoluted. Maybe its meant to be that way. Just to make me really appreciate what I've got. Whatever.
So then I thought I would take some respite from the heat in the sanctity and cool of my room and my home for the next 2 years. Oh man!!!! Two heart attacks (or close calls at least) in 1 day aint good. It was the saddest, dustiest, dullest, depressingest place I'd ever seen in all my life. I couldn't even make myself stay there for the night. Away from my parents and my sweet lil bro? No ways!! Clung on to them like a lifeline for as long as they were there. And then I cried. After they left. In my room. All alone. My first time in a hostel. Clinging on to the bedsheet. I missed my Mom. And I know she cried for me too.
But then I thought "What the heck?" Might as well go and look around the campus and talk to people around. So it took a little getting used to. But it wasn't all that bad. Really? Really!!! Well, except the studies part of it. Cases, muggai, quizzes and the dreaded shouts of Muggo Fachhon Muggo. And of course food that tasted good for a week and then was discovered to be totally Giveup. And FRA!! Oh hell!!! If there's one way to torture people's minds and wring their brains dry, then this is it.
Sometime I feel so frustrated I feel like throwing things and banging stuff and creating noise and confusion. Could it be the state of my mind within. I suspect. Life seems pointless then and this entire routine endless. I mean, what comes out of it? What do I get? Satisfaction?? Nah
It passes. Everything blurs. Everything fades into insignificance. Even this? Maybe one day I would find out. Until then, its Defense Against the Dark Studies for me.
There was some respite in the form of a Talent Nite which we all believe was just a smart way to rag us poor unsuspecting souls. But to hell with that! It was loads of fun!! There have been few times when I have enjoyed myself so much. I realised something very valuable, something I will cherish forever. The people here are so down to earth, talented, intelligent, sensitive, creative, nice, smart, friendly and have absolutely no airs! I mean, if there are some places on this planet where people could be allowed to be proud and arrogant and stuck up, then this would be one of them. Definitely not my old school where people had no achievements of their own to boast of. Well, this is a group I would love to know and be with for the rest of my life.
Coming back to T Nite, boy was it eventful! Getting to know good people, nightouts, random talking, lots of energetic dancing, venturing into unexplored territory, realising I didn't like it anyway. But I'm glad I took the step, or I wouldn't ever have learnt what not to do in future. Isn't that the best teacher? Lots of new trails opening up..
It passed too. But we took away memories from it, those that I will always love to think back on. We left our footsteps too, forever ingrained in the stones of this place. But.. All good things come to an end. Which brings me back to my basic question. Why do people over here study so much??? Aren't they already sick and tired of it, damn it!! Frustrated souls, lost causes. Period.
So now I've been here nearly 4 months, in a white washed room with a horrible brown door and an ugly green almirah, all of which I've been trying my best to cover up with colured paper, just to bring a little cheer :) There's a pretty verandah overlooking a lot of trees which helps keep my room and mood cool and gives a vintage, rustic feel. I also have a pet lizard, one that likes to eat butterflies and moths and in the process distract my already distracted mind. Its mates visit once in a while. So do some acid green flying creatures that are extremely lazy when it comes to settling down on my bed!
I dont know whether I hate this place or I love it. Maybe a bit of both. For when it comes to the much hyped B school, there can never be a mid way. I do love the fact that in 2nd year you get to chill and play and do nothing at all. Hardly any studies! Way too cool!!! And I do love the various interactions with fachhas, tuchhas, dogs, cats, group members. I love being in clubs. And I just discovered, or maybe rediscovered (cant even remember), that I love playing. Talk about stuff that had nearly slipped out of the memory lanes. Gonna play basky, tennis, TT, frisbee, football like crazy before I leave this place. Andddd I love nightouts! Playing truth and truth. Spying on people ;) Digging out secrets. Bugging people. Talking rubbish. Wasting time. Doing crazy stuff, real crazy :D That sounds more like me!!
Till then I hope I pass decently for the authorities to consider promoting me to heavenly tuchhadom. Thats one of my most intimate fears. I think I'll barely scrap a pass, like I always do ;) So maybe life here isn't all that bad after all. Its a great place. LKP, new campus at night, placement area, basky court. And for the first time I have my own money (a huge grin) which I can spend as and when and where I like, even back home!! And not to mention a wonderful opportunity. Not just another brick in the wall!
So like the wise old people say, make the most out of every opportunity you have. After all how many are this fortunate. This is a beautiful place. The best in my life yet.
:)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
when you walk away..
I felt like my world was breaking apart, into thousands of pieces, right in my front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it except watch it happen, slowly and painfully. I had nowhere to turn to for comfort, for solace, it was you I always took it from. And with you gone, my life was so hollow that I could see no end to this mindless numbing pain, pain like I'd never ever felt before. No mercy, there was little left, just a tornado of crushed emotions, and my heart fused with flame.
I've always been too possessive for my own good, but I cant change that and I don't want to. I never wanted to be anything but the only one on this planet. It tortures me, it takes away my peace and sanity and leaves me no place to think or even to be. It makes no sense to me, why must only I go through this. Nothing interests me any more. I was more unfortunate, more insignificant than the lowest creature on this planet, even worthless, so useless. There was a crescendo within me. I had to get out, to escape. I had to turn into stone.
Has the question ever occured to you... Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person. I have. I usually do. Why is it impossible to stop yourself then? I can only stop myself from falling too deep, but I just can't detach myself completely. Everytime I hear these words, it makes me cry within. A song that is very close to me.
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you here when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lay is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
Everything I do reminds me of you
All the things you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
And all of the things that you do
It's said that phoenix tears have healing powers. I believe that to be true. A new life is what I need. For myself. And it helps to cry. To let the pain flow away.
It was a long, long time ago and I don't feel any of it now. I don't remember what it was like. But I do remember that I don't ever want to go through it again. My scars have healed, barely. They are still there, waiting to be torn open. Sometimes, the past tends to repeat, and it feels acidic :) That is when I need to push away.
I might not be able to take all of it a second time.
:)
I've always been too possessive for my own good, but I cant change that and I don't want to. I never wanted to be anything but the only one on this planet. It tortures me, it takes away my peace and sanity and leaves me no place to think or even to be. It makes no sense to me, why must only I go through this. Nothing interests me any more. I was more unfortunate, more insignificant than the lowest creature on this planet, even worthless, so useless. There was a crescendo within me. I had to get out, to escape. I had to turn into stone.
Has the question ever occured to you... Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person. I have. I usually do. Why is it impossible to stop yourself then? I can only stop myself from falling too deep, but I just can't detach myself completely. Everytime I hear these words, it makes me cry within. A song that is very close to me.
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you here when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lay is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
Everything I do reminds me of you
All the things you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
And all of the things that you do
It's said that phoenix tears have healing powers. I believe that to be true. A new life is what I need. For myself. And it helps to cry. To let the pain flow away.
It was a long, long time ago and I don't feel any of it now. I don't remember what it was like. But I do remember that I don't ever want to go through it again. My scars have healed, barely. They are still there, waiting to be torn open. Sometimes, the past tends to repeat, and it feels acidic :) That is when I need to push away.
I might not be able to take all of it a second time.
:)
Monday, October 20, 2008
Memories of days gone by
I had a long and refreshing talk with one of my closest friends back from engineering days. It was like taking a trip down memory lane. There was so much to talk about; all the great times we had had, the places we had bunked college to visit, the pranks we had played and the absolute insensitivity with which we used to behave with others.
Those four years were among the best and most fun years of my life. The pure enjoyment of pulling people's legs and eating and roaming around aimlessly, the complete disregard for rules we exemplified accompanied by a heightened desire to waste time doing totally useless stuff! I dont think those days can ever return. We barely studied for the exams, buying books and checking question papers with just a few hours left for the paper. All the long telephonic conversations the day before the exam, cursing all the jobless souls who studied for longer than a day per paper, wishing them a life of misery and sorrow, these were among our favourite passtimes. The most classic and historic scene would definitely be a view of the Xerox room on the day of submissions and evenings before exams. We would be photocopying notes in wholesale after getting hold of the mastercopy!
The early morning 9 o'clock lecture just was not meant for us. We would never step into college before 10.30 and if we were ever less than 1/2 an hour late for any lecture, jaws used to drop in shock. Reaching late, hiding and asking if it was safe to enter and then shamelessly entering and making a grab for the attendance sheet, often signing it without attending the lecture! Talking nonsense during practicals when we were obviously not doing anything, and in the process not letting anyone else do the pracs either ;D
It would be a sin if I did not mention our college canteen, by far our favourite hangout spot. We used to visit it at least thrice a day. I loved the Chinese, Richa loved the sandwiches and Tanvi had a thing for cutting chai! Aakanksha simply used to dig her fork into everyone's plates. We had a hard time keeping Maggi away from her, or anything for that matter! Towards the end of college, our class had made it a habit to eat and leave without paying. I think all of us got caught doing that at least once :D There was this small sharp guy who always kept an eye on us after that ;) And when, if ever, we had sufficient money we used to go for Mexican/Italian or Mughlai to the restaurants outside.
Andddd this was the best part!! Asking for treats. Catching people at random, torturing them incessantly and the murderous attempts to take away their mental sanctity. So much so that some even started getting scared of us. I have often been complimented on the aptness of my orkut about me :P The four of us were infamously known as the "Torture Group". The audience obviously found it entertaining, the victims terrorizing. Our valiant acts were photographed on more than one occasion :) Dragging people to the foodspots, demanding for chocolates. We were more unsuccessful than successful, but who the hell cares! It was so much fun.
And of course, our photography loving class. Given any occasion, any stupid reason to stand and smile before the flash, be it a trip or an outting or a bday, all the cameras and cells would be whipped out. Our favourite spot was the new college entrance behind the quad, where the light was just brilliant and there was always a light breeze blowing. Remember the amazingly innovative and weird poses and concepts we would come up with!
And then, the annual trips!! The best one was undoubtedly our 2nd year IEEE trip to Chandigarh and Shimla. It was so hilarious and fun-filled. I could spend hours remembering that one. Thinking that we were locked outside our rooms when all we had to do was push open the door, accusing all the hotel staff of stealing a SIM card from a CDMA phone!! All of Chinchu's "kaarname"; torturing her to insanity in Shimla, throwing and pulling blankets, colouring her face with toothpaste, saying Akbar Birbal stories (new form of ragging?!?), all preceded by the incessant and vain efforts to wake her from her deep naps standing against the wall! The snow fights in Kufri and freezing in the snow wearing just a jacket and t-shirt. The 3rd year trip was a contrast as we spent most of the time cursing and swearing ;) Though the endless gardens in Bangalore had us pissed, the trips to the palaces in Mysore were memorable. I wont forget the way I got caught using my camera in a no-photography zone and the guards actually helped me escape! I could not possibly end this without talking about all the times we played "Killer" in the trains and buses. That was goddamn awesome fun!! Cheating and colluding, et al.
Now comes the best part. Bunking college and going to our favourite spots, i.e. our canteen, the amphitheatre near the lake, the quad. Sick of the never changing stock at Westside, we would flop down on our favourite sofa. We had a wide choice of hangouts even at Andheri station! like Shoppers Stop (remember some eventful occurrences and strategizing here, Richa?), McDonalds, Merwans, the mall where we spent god knows how many hours hunting for jewellery. I still have that amazing collection, totalling about 70 earrings at the last count :P Sitting on Worli sea face enjoying the cold wind, lying on Azad Maidan till 9 in the night and of course, walking on Marine Drive all the way to Nariman Point :)
Linking Road was always worth a visit for shopping and window shopping. Must say we discovered a wide array of mindblowing places during all the time we spent there. Bandra was always great for the nonveg and the roadside chicken! Wont forget all those evenings walking down to Bandstand and sitting on the rocks, discussing our past, present and future :) But the best by far was Juhu Beach. We would sit or sleep on the sand and talk endlessly, wade through the water, play khokho and saklee, watch all the "interesting" characters and couples. This was always a special place for me. I miss my morning and evening walks there, just me and the wind and the waves, and the music playing.
Could I ever forget the several hundred prank calls we must have made during those four years. We were never short of stupid ideas like cancellation of tutions, someone getting married, someone else getting selected by a modelling company or winning a beauty pageant, being selected as treasurer of some arbit club or if there was nothing to talk about, then just general bullshit. Yeah, I sure was skilled at that! We would bombard all the people in class with calls at the same time so that there was no way they could not find out that it was a prank even when some were foolish enough to believe the shit we spoke ;) This continued for a long time until people actually started storing my landline no. :P
We used to be so utterly unconcerned about academics. We were fooling around like crazy and deciding where to go out to eat the day our 7th semester results came out and we found that all the CAT givers had fared badly. I had even worked so less for my final year project that I was in grave danger of being flunked by the prof ;P Vivas were the biggest joke for some of us. Most of the time we knew nothing and we passed just by improvising and talking a brilliant amount of bullshit in such confident tones that it led the examiners to believe that we had all conducted research on the topic :D Well I have to hand it to Mumbai University for this, it taught me nothing except how to talk crap and make it sound like it is the gem of a thought :)
So much has changed. We now live in opposite ends of the world and yet we were talking as if it were only yesterday that we had last met. We had completely different lives now, we had to undertake different journeys, go through joy, pain, defeat and happiness for different reasons and yet we were the same kids that we used to be. We could still identify with each other completely. The senti talk, all the reminiscing, bitching and making plans, sharing all that had happened with each of us in the short space of the last four months, it still seemed exactly the same.
They say that people change with time. I dont know if I will and then I dont know if I will be able to recognize those old times. But I sure hope things remain the same between us forever. No matter what life throws at us, I know we can win every challenge just by being us. We've always shared so much, I wont ever forget it. I love you all.
:)
Those four years were among the best and most fun years of my life. The pure enjoyment of pulling people's legs and eating and roaming around aimlessly, the complete disregard for rules we exemplified accompanied by a heightened desire to waste time doing totally useless stuff! I dont think those days can ever return. We barely studied for the exams, buying books and checking question papers with just a few hours left for the paper. All the long telephonic conversations the day before the exam, cursing all the jobless souls who studied for longer than a day per paper, wishing them a life of misery and sorrow, these were among our favourite passtimes. The most classic and historic scene would definitely be a view of the Xerox room on the day of submissions and evenings before exams. We would be photocopying notes in wholesale after getting hold of the mastercopy!
The early morning 9 o'clock lecture just was not meant for us. We would never step into college before 10.30 and if we were ever less than 1/2 an hour late for any lecture, jaws used to drop in shock. Reaching late, hiding and asking if it was safe to enter and then shamelessly entering and making a grab for the attendance sheet, often signing it without attending the lecture! Talking nonsense during practicals when we were obviously not doing anything, and in the process not letting anyone else do the pracs either ;D
It would be a sin if I did not mention our college canteen, by far our favourite hangout spot. We used to visit it at least thrice a day. I loved the Chinese, Richa loved the sandwiches and Tanvi had a thing for cutting chai! Aakanksha simply used to dig her fork into everyone's plates. We had a hard time keeping Maggi away from her, or anything for that matter! Towards the end of college, our class had made it a habit to eat and leave without paying. I think all of us got caught doing that at least once :D There was this small sharp guy who always kept an eye on us after that ;) And when, if ever, we had sufficient money we used to go for Mexican/Italian or Mughlai to the restaurants outside.
Andddd this was the best part!! Asking for treats. Catching people at random, torturing them incessantly and the murderous attempts to take away their mental sanctity. So much so that some even started getting scared of us. I have often been complimented on the aptness of my orkut about me :P The four of us were infamously known as the "Torture Group". The audience obviously found it entertaining, the victims terrorizing. Our valiant acts were photographed on more than one occasion :) Dragging people to the foodspots, demanding for chocolates. We were more unsuccessful than successful, but who the hell cares! It was so much fun.
And of course, our photography loving class. Given any occasion, any stupid reason to stand and smile before the flash, be it a trip or an outting or a bday, all the cameras and cells would be whipped out. Our favourite spot was the new college entrance behind the quad, where the light was just brilliant and there was always a light breeze blowing. Remember the amazingly innovative and weird poses and concepts we would come up with!
And then, the annual trips!! The best one was undoubtedly our 2nd year IEEE trip to Chandigarh and Shimla. It was so hilarious and fun-filled. I could spend hours remembering that one. Thinking that we were locked outside our rooms when all we had to do was push open the door, accusing all the hotel staff of stealing a SIM card from a CDMA phone!! All of Chinchu's "kaarname"; torturing her to insanity in Shimla, throwing and pulling blankets, colouring her face with toothpaste, saying Akbar Birbal stories (new form of ragging?!?), all preceded by the incessant and vain efforts to wake her from her deep naps standing against the wall! The snow fights in Kufri and freezing in the snow wearing just a jacket and t-shirt. The 3rd year trip was a contrast as we spent most of the time cursing and swearing ;) Though the endless gardens in Bangalore had us pissed, the trips to the palaces in Mysore were memorable. I wont forget the way I got caught using my camera in a no-photography zone and the guards actually helped me escape! I could not possibly end this without talking about all the times we played "Killer" in the trains and buses. That was goddamn awesome fun!! Cheating and colluding, et al.
Now comes the best part. Bunking college and going to our favourite spots, i.e. our canteen, the amphitheatre near the lake, the quad. Sick of the never changing stock at Westside, we would flop down on our favourite sofa. We had a wide choice of hangouts even at Andheri station! like Shoppers Stop (remember some eventful occurrences and strategizing here, Richa?), McDonalds, Merwans, the mall where we spent god knows how many hours hunting for jewellery. I still have that amazing collection, totalling about 70 earrings at the last count :P Sitting on Worli sea face enjoying the cold wind, lying on Azad Maidan till 9 in the night and of course, walking on Marine Drive all the way to Nariman Point :)
Linking Road was always worth a visit for shopping and window shopping. Must say we discovered a wide array of mindblowing places during all the time we spent there. Bandra was always great for the nonveg and the roadside chicken! Wont forget all those evenings walking down to Bandstand and sitting on the rocks, discussing our past, present and future :) But the best by far was Juhu Beach. We would sit or sleep on the sand and talk endlessly, wade through the water, play khokho and saklee, watch all the "interesting" characters and couples. This was always a special place for me. I miss my morning and evening walks there, just me and the wind and the waves, and the music playing.
Could I ever forget the several hundred prank calls we must have made during those four years. We were never short of stupid ideas like cancellation of tutions, someone getting married, someone else getting selected by a modelling company or winning a beauty pageant, being selected as treasurer of some arbit club or if there was nothing to talk about, then just general bullshit. Yeah, I sure was skilled at that! We would bombard all the people in class with calls at the same time so that there was no way they could not find out that it was a prank even when some were foolish enough to believe the shit we spoke ;) This continued for a long time until people actually started storing my landline no. :P
We used to be so utterly unconcerned about academics. We were fooling around like crazy and deciding where to go out to eat the day our 7th semester results came out and we found that all the CAT givers had fared badly. I had even worked so less for my final year project that I was in grave danger of being flunked by the prof ;P Vivas were the biggest joke for some of us. Most of the time we knew nothing and we passed just by improvising and talking a brilliant amount of bullshit in such confident tones that it led the examiners to believe that we had all conducted research on the topic :D Well I have to hand it to Mumbai University for this, it taught me nothing except how to talk crap and make it sound like it is the gem of a thought :)
So much has changed. We now live in opposite ends of the world and yet we were talking as if it were only yesterday that we had last met. We had completely different lives now, we had to undertake different journeys, go through joy, pain, defeat and happiness for different reasons and yet we were the same kids that we used to be. We could still identify with each other completely. The senti talk, all the reminiscing, bitching and making plans, sharing all that had happened with each of us in the short space of the last four months, it still seemed exactly the same.
They say that people change with time. I dont know if I will and then I dont know if I will be able to recognize those old times. But I sure hope things remain the same between us forever. No matter what life throws at us, I know we can win every challenge just by being us. We've always shared so much, I wont ever forget it. I love you all.
:)
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