when you walk away..

I felt like my world was breaking apart, into thousands of pieces, right in my front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it except watch it happen, slowly and painfully. I had nowhere to turn to for comfort, for solace, it was you I always took it from. And with you gone, my life was so hollow that I could see no end to this mindless numbing pain, pain like I'd never ever felt before. No mercy, there was little left, just a tornado of crushed emotions, and my heart fused with flame.

I've always been too possessive for my own good, but I cant change that and I don't want to. I never wanted to be anything but the only one on this planet. It tortures me, it takes away my peace and sanity and leaves me no place to think or even to be. It makes no sense to me, why must only I go through this. Nothing interests me any more. I was more unfortunate, more insignificant than the lowest creature on this planet, even worthless, so useless. There was a crescendo within me. I had to get out, to escape. I had to turn into stone.

Has the question ever occured to you... Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person. I have. I usually do. Why is it impossible to stop yourself then? I can only stop myself from falling too deep, but I just can't detach myself completely. Everytime I hear these words, it makes me cry within. A song that is very close to me.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you here when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lay is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you

Everything I do reminds me of you
All the things you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
And all of the things that you do

It's said that phoenix tears have healing powers. I believe that to be true. A new life is what I need. For myself. And it helps to cry. To let the pain flow away.

It was a long, long time ago and I don't feel any of it now. I don't remember what it was like. But I do remember that I don't ever want to go through it again. My scars have healed, barely. They are still there, waiting to be torn open. Sometimes, the past tends to repeat, and it feels acidic :) That is when I need to push away.

I might not be able to take all of it a second time.
:)