losing

A question nags at me. Constantly, wholly, disturbingly so. It pulls my spirits down, it plucks at every fibre of joy and hope within me. I was perfectly happy yesterday. The day shone bright and the night was tempting. So what happened to me all of a sudden. Is it about not being able to control my mood again? Or is it that nothing seems to be going right. Nothing even remotely positive. While all around me I see joyful faces. Do they see the same in me and wonder similarly?

It can't have anything to do with at least two of those three "things". Because they have always been this way for me. I have always lived on the borderline here. And I just don't care much about academics anyway. So what, then? The fact that my brother refused to talk to me or even come and meet me, or that I could not give enough time to my parents while they were here and my mom was kind of sad when she left. Maybe that was a sort of instigator.

But the real question is something else. Deep within me, it spreads its tentacles searching desperately for an answer, screaming madly for release. Why is it that when you have something, you don't want it, and the only time you realize you want it so much is much later when you don't have it anymore...

There have been so many situations in the past which exemplified this thought. And I haven't found an answer to it yet. Or an exception. I haven't even learnt to recognize them as and when they arise to avoid depressed musings as these in the future. There have been times when I have held gems with my fingers, never knowing them for what they were or using them as I should have. Only to lose them to time like you do all things. Or fate. And then wishing for them later, my heart craving for the pure ecstasy I could have had. Always wondering what I did wrong.

Why does the same thing happen to me over and over again. Heaven knows I should have learnt by now. I didn't want to blame myself for everything, but I did, and I don't want to now. Maybe it's just the way things are meant to be. Maybe it's the course my life was meant to take. The curse my destiny was meant to have. Makes me wonder when, if ever, it will lift and I will be able to lead a normal happy life like the others around me.

There are times like these when all I wish to do is escape into a fantasy world where everything would be different. Lifestyles, reasons for joy and sorrow, success and failure, pains, cares, fears, celebrations would not exist the way they do here. And the whole purpose of life would be strikingly different. Far removed from the machines, sticks and expectations the earth has to offer. Something more magical, rustic, primitive, enchanting and thrilling.

I think I know why such a fairytale world tantalizes and beckons my soul. It helps me escape from the harsh realities of this life and live, albeit for a fleeting while, in an imaginary world where I don't have to be bogged down by the mundane everyday troubles. Where a flick of a wand could bring back the things that are most precious to me and that I no longer hold. But again, that takes away all meaning, distorts the beauty and spontaneity of life, making it less magical.
:)